Helping [daughter] move forward

[The Ex] [last name] <[the ex email]@[email].com>
Wed, Jul 9, 2008 at 12:01 PM
To: [Custodial dad email]@[email].com, [Custodial Dad’s home email]@[email].com

Hi, [Custodial Dad].

Since we agree that we need to move forward with [daughter] adjusting to regular contact with you,

what do you think of having a counselor work with [daughter]

to make progress with your calls and web contact?

I have done some research, and this is one of the names I found.

[other state therapist] [therapist in other state], ACSW, LCSW P.O. Box 07212, [town in other state], [other  state] [zip]
Phone:  [XXX]-[XXX]-7066
Please check her out and give me your thoughts.

Best Regards,
[The Ex]



[Custodial Dad] [last name] <[Custodial dad email]@[email].com>
Wed, Jul 9, 2008 at 12:15 PM
To: [The Ex] [last name] <[the ex email]@[email].com>
Cc: [Custodial Dad’s home email]@[email].com

[The Ex];

I do not believe [daughter] is the one in need of counseling. 
Again, I would suggest a court approved psychologist to evaluate the ADULTS in our daughters life and give us/you tools to better re-establish contact between [daughter] and I. 
As I have stated; I have consulted a professional, and again [Step Mother] and I have first hand knowledge on how to encourage contact (with us being the primary custodial parents of [sibling].)
I believe it’s clear that it would be more beneficial to understand how your actions/thoughts/influences are the sole and distinct factors in how [daughter] perceives contact between she and I.

If after that, you feel it is necessary, I would be more than agreeable to facilitate [daughter] in meeting with a counselor of sorts.

X
[Quoted text hidden]
--
[Custodial Dad] X [last name]
[XXX]-[xxx]-0185
[Custodial dad email]@[email].com
~ And remember, no [Ex’s fourth other state lawyer]er where you go, there you are.
Earl Mac Rauch, from “Buckaroo Bansai” ~



[Custodial Dad] and [Step Mother] [last name] <[Custodial Dad’s home email]@[email].com>
Wed, Jul 9, 2008 at 2:10 PM
To: [The Ex] [last name] <[the ex email]@[email].com>
Cc: [Custodial dad email]@[email].com

Since I was cc-ed, I will assume my response is needed or wanted.  I have, of course, spoken at length with my husband in regards to this but I will put my .02 in to share with you... after all [daughter] does call me her “Other Mother.” : )
In regards to regular contact, I have to state the well known fact that if the parent with physical custody is uncomfortable with the contact in any way, the child will mirror such hesitancies and will behave in such a way they believe their parent wants them to.  With [sibling], we ensure he is in a comfortable place with little distractions in order to allow for daily contact.  If the TV is on or if he has “better, more fun” things to do, it is reflected in the content of his conversation.  I also had to remember to show MY enthusiasm in their contact.  In the beginning, I would literally sit there and encourage him to mention specifics about his day.  Now, [sibling] is excited to talk to his dad and plan their weekends, tell him about his day or what have you.  Again, some conversations are short and others are long but [Custodial Dad] and I encourage his nightly phone calls.
On Sundays, [daughter] and [Custodial Dad] can not get enough of each other and by her reluctance to end [webcam software], its clear that she has no true emotional hang-ups in talking to her father.  The problem herein is with the phone contact and its timing....  with [sibling] we scheduled it at or as near his bedtime (as the longer the conversation, the further he put off bed) and at a time convenient for his father.  Also, with [sibling]’s cell phone, he has free access to call his father whenever he sees fit—above and beyond the prescribed timing of our court order.  As I’m sure [Custodial Dad] mentioned, he found it exciting and “important” to receive a call on his phone.  He was delighted to have his phone ring!
Also remember that children need physical reminders and having only visited with her father for one hour in four years is not enough to want to keep that contact open and alive.  I think in facilitating telephone contact, there first must be real visitation and contact in there as well.  I think you guys were finally working on allowing her to visit with us this summer.  It would also help if [Custodial Dad] had some knowledge on what to speak to [daughter] about.  You’ve stated that you are preparing information for him and once he gets that there will be a much more open communication.  She is clearly uncomfortable with full disclosure for whatever reason and depending on certain questions, she does go to you to check if she is allowed to disclose such information.  Maybe that is something you could work with her on as well.  I can’t help in regards to re-establishing physical contact as I never with held visitation, my opinions are based on my observations of this situation and the doctor [Custodial Dad] and I spoke to in regards to this.
As you are the only one with any real knowledge of [daughter], I can only assume you are attempting to do what is best for HER (and not you.)  If you genuinely feel that she is suffering emotionally, then that is a separate issue.  When we sat with [daughter] in February, she had no idea where her father was nor why he has gone so long in contacting her.  Have you spoken to her at all about the circumstances?  I think that would be a stronger bone of contention with her than simply calling her father nightly especially since she does so well on Sundays.
I do have to run as nap time is nearly over but I hope my thoughts are found to be helpful.. have a great day.
[Custodial Dad] and [Step Mother] plus all of our [siblings]’s